Your Doctor May Advise You to Just Fucking Move to Europe

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Many US residents have had to see a doctor lately and, when they did, realized they’d made the terrible mistake of having a health condition in America.

Now, they sit at their kitchen tables, coughing specks of blood onto small mountains of medical bills that their absurdly expensive insurance refused to pay. Many of them are thinking the same thing: I know it is, but this kinda doesn’t feel like the best healthcare system on Earth.

But perhaps there is hope.

Industry observers are reporting an interesting new trend in US healthcare. Doctors working deep within that shadowy system have started recommending a revolutionary new approach: Telling their patients to move to Europe.

One doctor we spoke with described the moment he realized a little Euro trip could really benefit a patient: “I was advising a patient and I said something like, ‘Well Mary, you have a mild form of ovarian cancer. We can, of course, pursue a treatment plan here in this American hospital. But, you could also move to Europe for six months, get the same treatment, tan your tits on the beach, and save about $50k even after paying for two residences.’”

He continued: “As soon as I said it, I knew I should be recommending Europe to more of my patients. I mean, treatment at my clinic, even for a mild headache, costs at least 50x more than it would in say, Germany.”

Many doctors are drawing the same conclusions. Dr. Mark Dieslehof said it was his oath as a physician that compelled him to at least mention the European option.

“Yeah, my typical approach is something like, ‘While prescribing you this drug will help me make payments on my Maserati, I am bound by that doctor’s oath thing to advise you that this course of treatment is free in Canada, Mexico, Brazil, and basically everywhere in Europe. So, should we go ahead?’”

Dr. Dieslehof paused to laugh for several minutes. Once he regained his composure he went on, “Most people do go ahead though. I think it’s because foreign countries are scary places and they think the Maserati is really cool.”

Dr. Melissa Almondsauce says she typically compares US medical expenses to European housing costs to help patients understand the relative difference. The comparison is often unfavorable. “I told one patient, ‘Yes, there are a few insurance plans that do cover this type of treatment, just, yours isn’t one of them. So, your total comes to roughly one Italian Villa.’”

While she spoke, Dr. Almondsauce casually spun a small revolver around on her desk. “It’s pretty depressing,” she said.

Patients are also waking up to the medical tourist option and some of them are bringing it up with their providers. Stephanie Whistletute of Canton, Ohio was recently diagnosed with a chronic condition that requires expensive, ongoing treatment. So she asked her doctor about Europe.

Whistletute explained what happened. “He said that with insurance this drug costs around $1000 a month. It goes up a little every year, and you will need to take it for the rest of your life.”

“So I asked him about Europe. You know what he told me?” She paused dramatically. “He said something like yes, it’s free in Europe but to get it you’d have to leave Canton and live in a socialist hell hole like Berlin, Paris, Madrid, London, Rome, Lisbon, Amsterdam, or one of those shitty little towns in the Swiss Alps.”

Whistletute now lives in Dörkunthaven, Switzerland, where she receives free healthcare even though she is not a Swiss citizen.

“I think the United States is too poor to help people,” she said, “But I guess the Swiss aren’t.”

So what should you take away from all this? Our advice is simple: If you get sick, ask your doctor about Europe1.

1

Side effects of Europe may include bicycling, environmentalism, weight loss, a new taste for electronic music, croissants, socialism, public intoxication, unionization, sexual promiscuity, acceptance of nudity, and an obsession with “football”. Europe may not be right for everyone. Ask your doctor so you can make an informed decision.