Would you like to be able to afford the lifestyle of your dreams? Or at least a small starter home on the furthest outskirts of a third-tier city in a non-coastal state where you can maybe have a dog without getting permission from the landlord?

Well! You’re in luck. Just add any two of the following killer lines to your LinkedIn profile and recruiters will be up your ass with offers in no time!

• There is no fulfillment in life but for the successful execution of operational goals.

• Every morning I beg the Gods of this Earth to increase our KPIs.

• I use a bulldozer to physically push innovation through all obstacles.

• People remember my marketing slogans long after they’ve forgotten their own children.

• I am like a fire hose of Red Bull blasted all over our key initiatives.

• I once created a jingle so catchy God had to erase it from human memory.

• My blood is espresso.

• I wear a hat that says “Relentless”. I have a tattoo on my forehead that says “Still relentless” in case I am not wearing my hat.

• 10x is not enough x.

• I stand for every meeting because every meeting deserves complete commitment.

• All work and no play makes me SUCCESSFUL. Plenty of time for fun in the afterlife, that’s what I always say.

• When girl scouts come over to my house they end up buying MY cookies.

• Every morning I squeeze a drop of blood into my coffee to renew my vow to Uphold The Brand.

• I am deliberately homeless so I can spend more time in the office.

• I require a secondary cooling system for my workstation because my hustle generates so much heat.

• For my annual vacation, I glance at a picture of the beach.

• My mantra is simple: “Life is love and love is business.”