Why are you buying crypto?

I'm sure you have a totally legitimate reason.

I asked several imaginary people who live in my head why they are buying crypto right now. Here are their not-at-all-made-up answers:

Richard Johnson
I’m a Boomer and while most of my vast retirement holdings are safely tucked away in index funds, REITs, or invested with my friend’s family office, that’s all pretty boring. So I asked my grandson to buy me some of those ether coins. And the dog coins too, for Martha.

Stan Sanchez
I’m a Gen Xer and I was high during kinda like the whole early web so, yeah, I’m trying to get into this latest shit now that I’ve got money. Maybe I can retire like 2 years early if this pans out. Who knows?

Lisa Hutson-Jones
I’m an early millennial and I thought the internet was a utopian playland at first (missed out on the domains thing) and then I was too lazy to learn to code and launch any of the 3057 app ideas I had so….yeah, NFTs I guess.

Brondo Forelift
I’m a late millennial and I finally have a job that pays me enough that I can invest a little and Reddit says this shit is going to the MOOOOOOOOOON so YOLO! (This better fucking work or I’m fucked.)

Cran Seus
I’m a Zennial and for real what kind of question is that? Why WOULDN’T I invest in crypto? Are you kidding? This is the biggest thing ever. DeFi is the future and if you don’t get in now you’re ngtm! Crypto is seriously revolutionary. Decentralization is going to change our whole society and government and like everything. Check my Tiktok if you’re ready for the red pill.

Elon Winklevoss
I’m a Billionaire/Famous Public Figure and I can make a nice tidy profit by pumping and dumping this shit on all the other folks you’ve spoken with. By the way, sign up for my newsletter if you want the inside scoop on my next big play (before the masses pile in).

Luke Winston
I’m a software dev and I started mining bitcoin like 8 years ago so at this point I’m just trying to time my exit so I can quit my soul-sucking job at Cloud Bullshit Megacorp and move onto a yacht.

Prefer Not to Say
I’m a member of the House Financial Services Committee and I’m stocking up so I can sell the day before we announce the bill that’s going to bring the hammer down on all of this wild west nonsense.

*Redacted*
I’m at the FBI and I buy crypto so that we can offer people illegal shit and then match the wallets involved in the transactions up with all the smartass crimers in our database. Gotta love a currency where transactions are public!

Who me?
Oh, I’m buying crypto because I’m a human man who is, of course, entranced by the lure of easy money and completely unable to deal with this level of FOMO. I blame Twitter.