This Post is Shockingly Viral (According to Science)

Read this to learn 7 powerful secrets known only to top-performing, neuroscientist, astronaut, ex-navy seal, football stars.

Dig into this incredibly viral article and you could finally live the life you’ve spent the last 30-something years dreaming about while your actual life passed before your eyes like a hazy dreamscape.

Let’s get started!

First, we’re going to dive in and learn the truth about coffee, blood, sugar, libido, and how maple syrup changes everything. We’re talking total deep dive. Mariana Trench-level deepness.

Plus there’s more. Tons more. SO MUCH MORE.

Keep reading and you’ll learn an incredible new way to hack your bone marrow to produce synthetic antibiotics using an ancient herb known only to one uncontacted Amazonian tribe.

Then, continue scrolling through this manic word salad to find out how we earned $10k in one weekend using nothing but a top hat and a live duck. Anyone can do this! At least, anyone who can catch a duck can do this. That part is actually kind of tricky. P.S. Ducks bite.

ONWARD

Do you want the secret to successfully earning super huge stacks of cash from a tropical paradise so you can live like a king among the impoverished locals? Again, just keep reading! That is in here somewhere.

But first, let’s take a break to appreciate these mind-blowingly cute and also delicious-looking enchiladas that are sure to brighten your day:

{note: find enchilada photos before pub date}

Time for a Quick Quiz!

Which is better:

  1. Coke

  2. Pepsi

  3. Swiss Miss

  4. In-N-Out

Make your choice and prepare to viciously defend your opinion against internet strangers in the comments section! They are wrong! Kill them with your word guns!

NOW: Cleanse your timeline with these pics of hot men who have figured out how to dress and groom themselves. Never before seen!

Boom! Fashiongasm!

Still reading? Great. Thanks for sticking with us.

Please like and subscribe and share and follow and check out our Patreon and please send us some money we do not get paid to do this and we have not eaten anything besides coffee in three days.

But! We can teach you how to earn an amazing living as a Digital Creator. Yes, that’s another thing we’re including here in this viral post. You MUST know these secrets. Do not stop moving your eyes across our words.

Speaking of words, look at that. We’ve hit 400 already. Welp, quotas up so it’s time to share our Ultimate Viral Secret Christian Life Hack! (Atheists hate it.)

Scientists have discovered a new way of worshiping God that’s proven to produce 68% more blessings for you and anyone you say you’ll send prayers to on Facebook. The results are truly astounding.

How does it work? It’s easy! To start the process all you have to do is share this post with 2 people (but if you share it with more people it will work even better—some really wild sharers have seen blessing increases of over 129%!)

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Once you’re done sharing, sign up for our email newsletter and we’ll tell you the rest. You won’t believe it!