This Brand Survey Could Take You to Space!

And other places that people like to go, like cool parties at big mansions.

Hello, thank you for taking a moment to provide us with feedback about our brand, Amazon. We’ll use your responses as a guide to provide even better, faster, and harder services.

Please proceed with the survey:

• On a scale of 0 to 10 with 0 being super unlikely and 10 being crazy likely, how likely are you to recommend our brand to a friend or colleague?

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• Was there anything missing or disappointing in your most recent experience with our brand?

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• Would you be more likely to recommend our brand if you had cooler, hotter friends or colleagues?

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• Do you think you would fit in with cool, hot people?

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• Would you like a rep to contact you about getting a cooler, hotter social circle?

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• What if your new friends had access to the latest party drugs?

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• Have you ever used party drugs?

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• If yes briefly describe what it’s like to get high at a cool party:

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• Would the party have been cooler if it was hosted at the biggest mansion you’ve ever seen?

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• Did you “hook up” with anyone at/after the party you attended?

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• Would you say “hooking up” is something people commonly do when they go to big, cool parties?

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• Would you say “hooking up” is something you would be open to doing at a big, cool party? (By “hooking up” we mean having penetrative sex, not just a little make-out or whatever.)

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• Are you a woman between the ages of 24 to 29 who would describe herself as petite and submissive?

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  If NO, your survey is complete. We appreciate your honest feedback!

  If YES, please continue below:

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• On a scale of 0 to 10 with 0 being gross and 10 being super hot, how hot are bald guys?

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• What if the bald guy happened to be the richest man in the world? Would that affect your rating?

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• Would you be interested in partying with our brand’s Founder and Executive Chairman?

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• Please attach 1 RECENT non-deceptive FULL BODY photo.
  [Select]

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  Processing…please wait.

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Damn girl. Listen, I’ll just come right out and say it, ok? This is Jeff Bezos. I made this survey because even though I’m the world’s richest man, it’s hard to meet sexy, fun, petite, submissive women who don’t judge me for not feeding the homeless or whatever. I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY AND I WANT TO ENJOY IT! What’s the harm in that??!

So, if you wanna party at my gigantic mansion, do some cool party drugs, and probably end up fucking IN SPACE, put your number in the form and my people will get in touch.

See you soon,

Jeff 😘

That’s me, Sexy Jeff [Courtesy of Jeff Bezos’ Instagram]

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Thank you for your time, we appreciate your honest feedback!