These Emails About My Free Trial are Far More Disturbing than Anticipated

I just wanted to try the app, but I think someone might have died?

Subject: Your Free Trial


Thanks for trying Glaxx! We hope you’re really enjoying our product a lot.

You’ve got 14 more days left in your free trial. If you haven’t jumped in already, here’s a few fun things you can do with Glaxx:

-Send messages to your friends through the Glaxxosphere

-Make your own animated Glaxx Dancer Avatar

-Connect your crypto wallet and buy invisible real estate

What are you waiting for? Start your Glaxxian journey to wealth and fame today!

Your Glaxxistant,

Subject: How’s it going?

Hi there,

You’ve got 5 days left in your free trial, so I wanted to check in and see how it’s going.

I really hope you are enjoying Glaxx. It is the best app that there is.

My records show that you’ve created a pretty cool looking Glaxx Dancer Avatar—that’s awesome! Have you given a Glaxx Dance to any friends or relatives yet? Try it!

I also show that you haven’t connected your crypto wallet to Glaxx yet. :(

You really need to! Creating wealth by trading invisible real estate with fellow Glaxxians is what Glaxx is all about! It’s the best part! You could be rich really soon!

Your Glaxxistant,

Subject: Time’s almost up!


Just one day left of your free trial with Glaxx!

You’re planning to sign up for a paid plan, right? Because you’ve found so much value and had so much fun while using our app? Yes! You have!

It would be so great if you signed up. It’s only $78 per year, plus certain transaction fees when you trade invisible real estate. No big deal compared to the millions you could make for yourself and your loved ones!

Please sign up today.

Your Glaxxistant,

P.S. If you don’t sign up, we get whipped by the Program Manager

Subject: Important Correction


Please disregard the last email you received from Glaxx. It contained an unapproved joke created by one of our Glaxxistants, who is happy and well paid and lives voluntarily in our safe and fun work environment.

It is true, however, that your free trial expires today, in 30 minutes. We can see that you currently do not have Glaxx open on your phone, and that you appear to be using our rival app Thlaxx.

You should know that Thlaxx was created by an authoritarian foreign government and will be used to spy on you and sell your sexual secrets.

Also, Glaxx is cheaper. Sign up now!

Program Manager

Subject: Oh no

You did not sign up for Glaxx during the Free Trial period!

Do you not care about human suffering? And also do you not want to earn millions by participating in our invisible real estate marketplace?

Please consider signing up for Glaxx within the next 56 seconds (before my goals review).

Think of the yacht full of naked men and/or women you could have when you strike it rich in the Glaxxosphere! Think of me not getting beaten to death by the Program Manager in the Soaring Success conference room / blood arena. Help me hit my OKRs!

Please for the love of god

Your Glaxxistant,

Subject: Welcome!

My fellow Glaxxian,

Welcome! Thank you for joining Glaxx. Though you were too late for the Special End of Free Trial Offer, it’s never too late to make it big in the Glaxxosphere!

You’ll be happy to note that you have a new support rep, Cindy.

Be on the lookout as she’ll be glaxxing you a quick Getting Started video to help get you oriented and irrevocably invested in the hottest invisible real estate assets.

Click here to watch Cindy as she works. Like everything in the Glaxxosphere, it’s fun and voluntary!

Happy Glaxxing,

Program Manager