Sorry Melissa, I Did Not Realize that I, an Android, Could Even Get Whiskey Dick

That's really not supposed to be a thing for us.

I assure you, it’s not about you. You look 100% sexually attractive to me.

Ok, that’s a little bit of a fib, but the percentage really is significantly higher than my erection threshold. This is definitely about me, is what I’m saying. You are a very beautiful standard human woman.

Seriously. I should be rock hard right now, Melissa. I know it’s disappointing, especially since you bet Amy $500 you could get railed by the Android.

Well yeah, of course I heard that. I have cybernetically enhanced hearing babe. That’s kind of the deal with Androids. We are enhanced. Don’t worry, I’m not offended.

Trust me, I’d love to show you the full extent of my enhancements, if you know what I mean. Which you do, since bragging about them is kind of my main play.

ENHANCED (Photo by Damir Spanic)

Really, Melissa, I would love to give you a ride on the Whirling Dervish. Or surprise you with the Double Jack. Maybe bring out the Dragon Lance once we get really into it. It’s just...right now I’m stuck in floppy mode.

I know we’re in Vegas and things got kinda crazy tonight, but my body contains advanced alcohol processing functionality. This has got to be some kind of software malfunction. I’m filling a support ticket through my neuro-link right now. Maybe they can send an over-the-air update and get this show back on the RAILroad, haha.

And we can still mess around, you know. Just because I can’t get things going downstairs doesn’t mean you have to miss out. I can make my hands vibrate at up to 300 bpm. See? Droid-men are thoughtful lovers just like all the other men out there.

Oh. You have to use the bathroom? Of course, no worries, go right ahead!

Oh wow, you’re totally puking in there. Hey, let me hold your normal human hair back.

It’s okay, don’t worry. Looks like we both have our little troubles tonight. You probably shouldn’t have ingested so much of that lobster bisque. I didn’t think that would pair well with seven shots of rye whiskey, but I didn’t want to say anything. Not my place to droid-splain your dining decisions!

Anyway, I’m sorry that I couldn’t engage my sexual fuck-tions. Haha, ya like that one? But yeah, I guess it was for the best since you were about to puke anyway. My dermal enhancements are pretty sensitive, so that could have been kind of a disaster for me.

Anyway, you wanna go back to bed?

Ok. Yeah, I mean you’re welcome to stay over here in my room and cuddle or whatever. But if you’d prefer to head back to yours that’s fine too, of course.

Oh hey, before you go, if you want me to help with the bet I can engage my health analysis function to excrete a little semen for you to dab in your hair or something. Like so Amy will believe you did the deed?

No? Ok. Cool cool. Well…goodnight Melissa. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow for day two of AndroCon. Who knows, maybe we can try again!