Someone Get this Evil Horse Out of My Bathroom

Really not sure how this horse got into my bathroom (or my house for that matter) but it’s in there and it is undeniably evil.

I first noticed the horse when I got up to pee at 3 am. Stumbling through the dark, I groped my way over to the loo and found myself staring into a glowing, red horse eye. This was a surprise.

The horse attached to that eye was wreathed in shadow, its sleek black body nearly invisible in the dark confines of my windowless bathroom.

“Excuse me, horse,” I said politely. “I have to pee.”

The horse snorted and continued to give me that odd, side-eyed stare horses give you because they can’t really look directly at things with both eyes at the same time.

The horse did not move.

“Ok. I’ll use the other bathroom,” I muttered. Thank Zeus for two-bath houses.

When I got up again in the morning I remembered the horse but assumed it was a dream. That would make sense because horses don’t break into houses and lurk in people’s bathrooms. That’s just not how the world works.

However, upon inspection of the bathroom, the horse was still there. I tried to touch it to see if it was real and it tried to bite me.

I had to admit it. The horse was real. Either that or I was on some amazing drugs. Whichever way, something had to be done because the horse was making sounds.

Most horses make sounds like, “neigh-eigh-eigh!” or “whinny!” This horse was making sounds like, “UNG-ZERGrrrrrrrrrrGURRRRR!” and “SSSSSSssssssssSSHHHHHH—ROP!”

I’m no expert, but I know an evil horse sound when I hear it. These were evil horse sounds. I was worried the horse might be trying to summon another evil horse to join it. Or maybe call forth its demonic rider from the depths of Hades.

I needed backup.

Fortunately, there’s a Horse Girl living at my house, so I asked her to come help. “Do you think you could get this evil horse out of our bathroom?” I asked.

She acted confident about her horse-removal abilities. She put on some really long riding boots, her sharpest spurs, and a helmet (for safety). Then she grabbed her whip and the spare saddle she keeps by the bed and she walked right into that fairly small bathroom to face down the evil horse.

What a brave woman.

For a long time, the bathroom was eerily silent. While I waited for something to happen, I made some coffee.

Suddenly, pandemonium from the bathroom! Shouting, stamping hooves, the crack of the whip, evil neighing, more shouts, and was that—yes, the sound of an evil horse voiding its bowels into the bathtub.

Horse Girl leaped out of the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. “Goddamn that’s an evil horse,” she said. Her shirt was torn, and her hair was mussed. “There’s nothing I can do.”

I peaked into the bathroom. The evil horse was floating in the air, bumping against the ceiling, its glowing eyes smoldering in the way that evil eyes always smolder, staring down at me.

The smell from the bathtub was deeply unpleasant. Not your normal pungent but grassy horse poo smell. This was meaty.

I hastily googled “horse exterminator near me”. No results. Damn it!

This must be a pro-horse town.

After that, I tried everything I could think of to get rid of that god-forsaken horse.

I tried calling to it softly. I tried angry yelling. I tried to lure it out with treats (not interested in apples, slightly interested in some old hamburger meat I had in the fridge—but not enough to come out). I tried begging and also pleading. I tried a bunch of ancient curses and spells I found in old Tumblr posts. I sacrificed a lamb and painted its blood over the door. I sat naked in a pentagram for three days and nights, chanting, emploring the Old Gods to remove their evil from my home. Nothing.

Finally, I tried to smoke it out by pumping poison gas under the door.

But the evil horse remains. It is implacable and immune to chlorine gas.

It’s been a week now and Horse Girl and I have settled into an uneasy truce with the evil horse. We stay out of that bathroom and the evil horse stays in it.

Occasionally, when the sounds get too loud, we bring it food. It won’t eat hay, but we figured out that it loves those hot dogs from Costco. That’s fine because they’re pretty cheap and you can buy them in bulk.

I very much want to get this evil horse out of the bathroom. It kind of ruined the dinner party I hosted on Friday (someone walked in on it), and that bathtub isn’t really draining anymore. The smell is escalating quickly.

Please, if you know anyone who’s handy with horses, or maybe has a cross-shaped rifle with silver bullets, PLEASE let me know. I want my bathroom back.