There’s been some debate online about certain aspects of fundamental reality lately. Is the Earth flat? Have we been visited by aliens? Do vaccines cause 5G signals to come out of your shoulder? Today we’re going to settle at least one of these important debates:

The sky is BLUE, you stupid assholes.

Except at night, obviously. It’s black at night, with tons of little whitish dots all over it.

Well, unless you’re in a light polluted metro area in which case it may appear gray with just a few dots.

But otherwise the sky is fuckin’ BLUE.

Ok, yes, I will concede that during certain (very brief!) windows of time the sky may include other colors such as orange, yellow, violet, red, etc., because of whatever physics shit happens when the sun is aligned with the local horizon. Fine.

But that is VERY temporary! An inconsequential exception from the fundamental blueness of the god damned sky.

Sure, you may not be able to SEE that blueness all the time. Especially if you live in some broken down hell hole like San Francisco, Western Oregon, certain island nations near Europe, anywhere around the Great Lakes, or inside the Hollow Earth.

That’s not our problem, it’s yours.

Just because you choose to live somewhere that’s constantly shrouded in steel-gray clouds of depression doesn’t mean that the sky, the actual sky ABOVE the clouds, isn’t blue. It is super fucking blue.

It’s blue like that one Elvis song. It’s blue like Monday. It’s blue daba dee daba die. It’s blue like the clues. It’s blue like a really big whale. It’s blue like every B2B and tech company logo. It’s blue like your dad’s creepy old leisure suit. It’s blue like my neighbor’s weird house. It’s blue like an unmarried evangelical’s balls.

Got it? Ok, glad we could work through this together. Thank you for your time!

P.S. If you still need proof, come visit me here in the burning desert wastelands of Phoenix and see for yourself. Out here, the glorious blue sky is always on display because clouds can’t survive in this environment.

Just don’t come in July, your skin will melt.

Hey! Did you grin, smile, make a small “heh” sound, and/or actually laugh while reading this piece? Please do me the honor of sharing it with someone else who might enjoy it.

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Did you stare blankly at this piece while thinking, “huh, that was weird”? Don’t worry, the next one will be better!