Oh Look, Another Goddamn Think Piece

Your brain needs these thoughts from my brain.

Let me begin this over-wrought golden turd by throwing out some baseless generalities that you should simply accept because I present myself as an authority. As a middle-aged man, I know what is good, and most things today are dumb and terrible. Yes, certain things are better than ever before, but mostly no they’re not. You see, some cultural or technological change has made us all worse than we were at some nebulous, largely imaginary point in the past.

Now that we’re clear on that, let me tell you that I’ve been doing some serious research. I perused several related articles and may have even skimmed an honest-to-god book about this shit. Here’s where I name-drop some well-known pop-sci figures who are hated by real academics: Yuval Noah Harari! Malcolm Gladwell!

In the course of my research, I found several alarming statistics that, upon close scrutiny, do not prove my point. But here they are anyway please don’t think too hard. I’m the one doing the thinking here. Aren’t these statistics super shocking? 95.6%!

Here’s an image that’s eye-catching but irrelevant. Photo by Sygg Bae.

After I sat in coffee shops for days mulling over this pressing issue, I came to a stark realization: No one is human except for me and you are all living unhappy counterfeit lives. I believe that all of you would be better served if you stopped most of the things you’re currently doing and started doing things that I approve of. Or maybe keep doing your regular things, but do them in a way I think I invented but which is not, it turns out, particularly original. I don’t really know, but definitely throw some of your old stuff away and stop looking at your goddamn phone so much.

I am glad that everyone is now aware of this super huge flaw in our civilization. Fortunately, all of your brains have now been exposed to my genius solution which I’m sure will compel you to change for the better. I anticipate a sea change and/or paradigm shift in the near future. Possibly a revolution. That’s the only way to avert disaster and realize my idealized vision. In the meantime, I’ll be back at my house doing some important thinking. Follow me on Twitter.