I’m Thomas the Tank Engine and I Demand You Stop Making Train Porn

Seriously, you are destroying my life.

Hi there, it’s me, your pal Thomas the Tank Engine! Usually, I’d have a fun story about my cheeky adventures on the Island of Sodor for you, but today I’ve got something different.

It’s a little request. Actually, no. It’s a demand.

I, Thomas, demand that all you internet degenerates stop making porn of me. And trains in general.

Trains are attractive. I get it. We are powerful, domineering, full of burning coal and bubbling steam, and we do make rhythmic sounds that slowly build toward a climactic fury. I can see how that could be sexualized with a little bit of imagination.

But that’s where train sex ought to stay: In the realm of imagination.

You know children love trains, right? Children search for trains, especially me, the most famous and fun of all trains, on Google. Now, because of you demented sickos, there is a real chance that, instead of discovering one of my real-life very fun stories, they will find pics of me bonking Rosie.

And yes, I know what you’re going to say. Rule 34. I know. I am aware that, since I exist, there must be porn of me. There is, ok? You made it. But you need to stop now.

I mean how much train porn do you really need? Enough is enough.

The stuff you’re making isn’t even realistic! For example, there is no way that a steam locomotive could face fuck a grown man in a top hat. It’s just not physically possible.

And even if I could I wouldn’t want to! Sir Topham Hatt is like 40 years older than me. Gross.

Another thing. While I appreciate the depictions of me and my studly train friends as extremely well endowed, this is really not accurate. My horn has been described as ‘adequate’ and your filthy drawings of gigantic train dongs are setting my future partners up for disappointment.

Plus, now I have to deal with passengers trying to find where “it” is so they can take pictures! Come on!

I need you to understand that your highly sexualized imagery (and animation!) is impacting my ability to earn a living. That goes for other trains as well.

Conductors and railroad operators are rightly concerned about the public perceptions of their train cars and no one wants to risk riding in a passenger car that may have been flooded with train cum. Ok?

Let me return to my carefree days as a fun and innocent children’s entertainer instead of cosplaying for you as a lecherous blue sex beast. That’s not what I’m here for! Trains don’t even reproduce that way! We reproduce asexually with the assistance of mechanized factories. It’s not a sexy process at all!

Although come to think of it, there is a lot of pounding and riveting and hammering…Goddamn it. Look at what you’ve done to me!

For the love of God and all that is holy, stop. Please.

Your pal,
Thomas


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