I Love this True-Crime Podcast, But I'm Starting to Think I Might Be the Murderer

The similarities are somewhat distressing.

Like everyone else on Earth, I love a good true-crime podcast. I’ve listened to tons of them! But, the one I’m listening to now is starting to creep me out. Here’s why: The suspect in this mysterious unsolved murder really sounds a lot like me.

First of all, the drawing they posted online looks pretty much exactly like me. I’m a white guy with a beard though, and we all kinda look the same, so that could be a coincidence.

But check this out: The suspected murderer in the show lives on my street. Even more suspiciously, they live AT MY ADDRESS. Now, I’m not sure when this crime happened, so it could be the guy who lived here before, but I’ve been here for like 15 years now so it could also be me.

Ok, I listened to the most recent episode and I guess this murder happened last week. Interesting.

Maybe I should tone down the drinking because I’m starting to think that I’ve done some stuff while I was blacked out that I probably should not have done. Like I was doing my laundry the other day and there was definitely someone else’s clothes mixed in there.

How did that outfit get in my laundry even though I live alone in a state of social isolation? I don’t know. Why does the shirt have maroon stains on it that won’t come out with regular Tide Ultra Clean? That’s concerning.

Now, I wouldn’t call myself a criminal but I have witnessed a few crimes being committed. Mostly little stuff like speeding, jaywalking, and lying for political gain, but I’ve also seen a few bigger crimes like transporting bricks of cocaine, stealing 20 cars, and choking a man to death in an alley. But that’s all stuff that anyone would see if they grew up in my hood! This is Chicago after all, haha.

Ok, this is getting crazy. I was listening to the show on the way to work this morning, and they were saying that the suspect may have thrown the body into their trunk when they fled the scene. Well, I ran over a pothole right after that and when I did I heard a distinct *thump* that sounded like something large and fleshy in my trunk.

It gets worse! I got to work and went around to check the trunk and guess what? There’s a dead guy in there! Holy shit!

I’m starting to panic. But, the host of the show actually had some really good ideas about evading law enforcement. The suspect in this case happens to have dual US and Canadian citizenship (just like me!). So it’d be easy for them to cross the Northern border. So hypothetically this murderer could acquire a different vehicle, transfer the body, and then drive up to some remote part of the great frozen North.

Man! These guys are really on it. I’m listening to the latest episode in my new ride (a pea soup green Dodge Dart) and they are describing that exact vehicle as being stolen from a parking lot near my neighborhood! I really hate this story now, but I just can’t stop listening!

Whew. Made it across the border. Now I’m home free. Good thing border agents don’t stay up-to-date on true-crime podcasts!

Wait a minute, what’s this? There’s someone blocking the road, trying to flag me down! Holy shit, that looks like John and Mary from the podcast! I’ll roll down my window and see (I can’t believe it!).

“Hey, are you John Hammerstyle from the Crime Time Podcast?”

“Uh, yeah. Wait, how’d you know that?”

“I love your show!”

“You do?”

“Of course! How could I not? Your voice and narrative style, it’s magnetic.”

“Yeah but like — ”

“I know, I know. It’s weird cause you guys think I’m the murderer right?”


“Yeah, I totally get that. Like I didn’t think I was the murderer until I started getting into your show, but now I’m pretty sure you guys were right.”

“So, you are the murderer?”

“Yeah, fairly certain. Like 95% confident. I mean that dead guy is wrapped up in the trunk right now and everything.”

“Oh fuck. Holy shit.”

“Uh-huh. So like, here’s the deal, John. This is a Glock 9, ok? And it has bullets in it. I don’t want to get on any more murder podcasts, so what I’m going to need you and Mary to do is get in the car right now.

But — hey hold on — grab your podcasting gear, ok? You guys can record the final episode from the back seat and wrap this whole thing up. I can’t wait to hear the ending!”