The other night at dinner my kids were talking about money and investments (their father is invested in certain dog-themed crypto currencies) and that, of course, led to time machines.
Time machines are obviously the best investment tool ever created.
Since we know which stocks have headed moon-ward since their IPO, you can just go back in time and buy in early. Then you go back to your future, sell your holdings, and BING BANG BOOM you are now rich.
It was a fun conversation and I was glad to see that these wee humans understand the fundamentals of investing: Buy low, HODL, sell high.
And they had other good ideas for the time machine. Like taking random shit from today into the future to sell it as an archeological relic. Clever!
So, I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be funny to give my kids an actual time machine? Hahaha, yes it would.
So I did!
And it was funny, but it was also a terrible idea.
Unsurprisingly, my kids were surprised that I could build a functional time machine. But I am a dad and they are still fairly young, so after the initial surprise wore off they happily accepted the fact that I can do anything.
They concocted a simple plan: Go back to 1980, buy as much Apple stock as possible, and come back. Easy peasy. What could go wrong?
I agreed to loan them some cash in exchange for a portion of their future returns, and off they went. The time machine charged up, made a sound like *SQUARTLE!*, and vanished. I guess that’s the sound time machines make when they disappear into the past with your kids safely inside them.
Unfortunately for everyone, my children don’t actually know HOW to buy stocks. And even if they did, they’re a bit below the age limit on your typical investment account.
So what did they do? Well I wasn’t there, but evidently they tracked down Steve Jobs’ address and somehow made their way to his house. Then they knocked on the door and tried to buy Apple stock directly from Steve.
That may sound kind of cute, but it planted a seed in Past Steve’s little noggin. A seed that should not have been planted.
He rightly understood that if random kids were traveling back in time to buy shares in his company it must mean that Apple would become insanely successful. Maybe the greatest company of all time!
As we know, it kind of did that. But we frail humans are not meant to know these things in advance. It drove Past Steve, already a man of great ego, into a dark abyss of madness and megalomania.
And that is how, instead of eventually announcing the iPhone, we got something else instead. Something both greater but also far worse than the iPhone: iMechazoid.
It was, of course, a gigantic robotic killing machine. 500 feet tall, made of brushed aluminum alloys and covered in smooth, glossy white armor.
It was connected directly to Steve Job’s fevered mind, and he used it to take over the Earth.
I’m skipping a bit here, but almost everyone died (including me) and Steve declared himself God Emperor of Earth.
My children returned to find that their home, and their whole general region, was now a burning wasteland. Much like Phoenix is today, but with more fires. And ruins. And radioactive coyote-people.
Sadly, the two actual paper shares Steve had graciously given them were now worthless. The stock market had been shut down since Apple was the only company and also the government.
Happily, I think it was a good life-lesson and my children are now the ruthless leaders of a band of desert marauders. They call themselves The Doge.