How to Buy the Best Salsa

A guide for the discerning salsa connoisseur

Chips and salsa is the best of all foods and I eat it like a rabid vegetarian wolverine. But I am also lazy and don’t make my own salsa. Which means I buy a lot of salsa. Which means I have learned SALSA BUYING SECRETS.

This is what good salsas look like.

Here they are:

1. If it comes in a glass jar it is trash
   Jarred salsa is Satanic Diarrhea and should be banned by international treaty. The only reason to buy jarred salsa is if you’re going to go live alone on a mountain top with no grocery stores in any direction for 300 miles.

2. Plastic containers have the good stuff (round is better than square)
   Round container = salsa specialist. Square container = store brand (usually). Store brand salsa might be fresher but it’s typically not as good. Could be worth it if your grocer makes other good foods.

3. No Potassium Sorbate or Sodium Benzoate allowed
   Check the label! Those additives degrade flavor (weird saltiness) and basically mean that shit ain’t fresh. Plus they probably give you Super Parkinson’s or something. Ingredients like salt, citric acid, and calcium chloride are ok.

4. Mild salsa is garbage (please stop buying it)
   Mild salsa is just a mulched salad and steals already limited shelf space from gloriously burning hot salsa. Can’t handle heat? Just lick a jalapeno once a day until you build your heat tolerance. Do it for me.

Ok that’s it! Go forth and buy great salsa and send me pics so I can be jealous.