How NOT to go Hiking During the Summer in Phoenix

A brief and maybe sarcastic guide

With 100s of miles of trails spread across a veritable buttload of mountainy areas all around the city, Phoenix Arizona is a great place to hike!

To maximize your post-hike medical bills/funeral just follow this handy guide:

First off, DON'T START EARLY! Sure, the coolest time of day is in the hour before dawn, but who wants to get up then? Idiots, that's who. Get your beauty sleep and show up to the trailhead when the Blazing Eye of Ra is directly overhead.

Don't bring enough (or maybe any) water! Before you head out, just chug a Dasani. Dehydration only happens to people in movies! This is America and it's impossible to die of thirst here.🇺🇸

NEVER plan your route or carry a map. Knowing where you're going is overrated and makes your hike less fun! Hiking is about the joy of discovery and getting lost, so winging it is your best bet.

Plus maps are for wimps.

Go alone! Hiking is about SOLITUDE. It's an introspective journey where you learn about Humanity's Connection with Nature. So by all means, roll solo.

Bonus Points: Don't tell anyone where you are going or how long you are supposed to be gone.👋

DO NOT bring any sort of FOOD!

1. Food is heavy.

2. Eating while hiking is a great way to get stomach cramps and end up barfing on a rattlesnake.

Energy bars, gels, goos, and other such products are all scams created by Big Sporting Goods to take your $$$.


Mouth super dry? Getting a headache? Stopped sweating?

These are all signs that you are getting a killer workout!

"Heatstroke" is just a joke we made up to scare Midwesterners and not a thing that can definitely kill you for real.

DON'T call off your hike once you realize it's a bad idea! Brunch is for the weak. So are pools.

Yes it's 108 degrees already and for some reason no one else is out here, but a plan is a plan damn it! If it results in a helicopter rescue & embarrassing news coverage/my death, SO BE IT!

Ok, that's it! Happy Hiking! 🏜

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