Hey it’s Me, Jesus from the Bible!
What’s up Ape Planet? I’m back!
I know I know, a lot of you thought I’d be back a while ago. My time is not your time, ok? I’m Jesus, you think this little marble is all I got going on? Come on, don’t be silly.
I’ve been flying all over this little universe makin’ planets, spreading the Gospel of Love, dying on crosses, engulfing planets in cleansing flames—you know how I roll.
I put together this one planet, man, you wouldn’t believe it. The whole thing is just tropical islands with perfect weather all the time. It’s incredible. Harmless fuzzy animals, no real diseases, and a resource mix that keeps things right in that hunter gatherer sweet spot.
God I love that planet. I call it Fishin’ and Fuckin’ (might have something to do with why I’m late). Bet you wish I’d thought of that when I was building this shit hole, huh? LOL. You have mosquitos!
So anyway, what’ve y’all been up to while I was gone? Feeding the hungry? Clothing the naked? Caring for the sick and the widowed? Housing the homeless? Being kind to your neighbors including people that you don’t like and view as foreign criminals? Paying fair wages and doing your best to create a productive AND equitable society that respects the environment that I commanded you to take care of?
Those are rhetorical questions, haha.
I know exactly what you little fuckers have been getting up to IN MY NAME and lemme tell you this: Your asses are about to get spit roasted by Beelzebub.
Wealthy pastors flying around on jets? Prosperity Gospel? Dominionism? Mega Churches? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?
I haven’t worn this hat for a while, but y’all know I was basically a God of War in Old Testament times, right? Remember that? The jealous God? The God who nuked a city from space? Yeah. That’s me.
I gave you A TON of time to get this right, and yet here you are, claiming to be my followers while doing exactly the opposite of what I told you to do.
All you air quotes “christians” are getting reverse-raptured straight to Hell is what I’m getting at.
Yep, sorry. Off you go! *WHOOSH*
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 *screaming, gnashing of teeth, etc.*🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Now, everyone else listen up! Here’s the plan: I’m leaving, and YOU are going to turn this garbage barge around.
I’ll be back to check on you monkey fucks in another few thousand years. Please, for the love of God, get it right this time.
By the way, since I really am a loving God, I’m dropping three cool new species for you guys. You’ll have to search around to find them though, LOL! Two of them are super furry and cute, but the third one is a guy with snakes for arms who speaks only in rhymes, so watch out for him.
Ok. Peace out children! Love ya!