Breaking News: Asteroid to Hit Earth Right in the G-Spot

And no one knows what's going to happen when it does.

Photo by Bryan Goff.

Startling news for the inhabitants of Earth this afternoon: Astronomers have spotted an asteroid on a direct collision course with the Earth. To be clear, this is cause for alarm.

And it gets worse! Based on careful calculations performed by highly regarded astrosexualists, the asteroid is going to hit the Earth right in the G-spot.

That’s right. Our little blue planet has a G-spot and that phallic-looking space rock is totally gonna crush it.

Due to our pathetic lack of experience, no one knows what will happen when Earth’s G-spot gets rocked by a mile-wide space-peen. But there is some cause for hope.

A New Age Energy Healer we spoke with in Sedona, AZ told us that Gaia has not had a proper orgasm in eons. Mother Earth has needs and they are not being met. It follows that a bit of planetary sexual fulfillment could have a positive impact.

In support of this theory, our research found that the last time Momma Tierra got any real action was approximately 66 million years ago. That’s a serious drought! And you thought 6 months of failed Tinder dates was bad.

That’s why some sexperts we found on Twitter believe it’s possible that this casual hookup could release a form of Orgasmic Earth Energy and trigger a golden age of evolution and advancement as all life bathes in the afterglow of intergalactic poon tang.

But it could also trigger the collapse of civilization as our life-giving planet is shrouded in ash for a thousand years during a prolonged stage of post-coital depression and regret.

Or maybe we’ll all be burned to death by rivers of lava because the Earth is a squirter.

Who knows!?

Needless to say, we need answers. Responding to that call, the world’s greatest interplanetary sex theorists are gathering in Geneva later this month to discuss the possibilities. They will have data, charts, diagrams, and hopefully, elaborate video renderings. We will be there watching the action very closely (and recording it on our phones, for later).

Fortunately, we do have several years to prepare before the G-Rock arrives to give our Mother the pounding she deserves.

Rick Guile, a self-styled survivalist we interviewed at a gas station, told us that everyone should dig themselves an underground bunker and fill it with ammunition. “It’s the only way you’re gonna live through an event like this,” he said, before hauling himself up into his lifted Ford F150 Super Duty Crew Cab truck and roaring out into the street without looking both ways.

We might take that advice. An underground bunker could be cool, even if it caves in due to massive, shuddering, shock-waves of love. At least we would die knowing our Mother was pleased.

Whether you choose to prepare or simply wait it out, the fact remains: We will all be present as our Great Mother gets reamed by a primordial lance from the depths of the void.

We shall bask in glowing light and rise to a new dawn! Or, possibly, recoil in horror as well all turn to dust and ash. Either way, what a time to be alive!