7 Helpful(?) Tips for Managing Your Drinking in the PostPan

Stop being such a drunk he mumbled, mostly to himself

Some of us (not calling out anyone in particular) may have stepped up our drinking a bit during The Pandemic. Now that things are sorta normalish, it might be time to dial it back before our livers die of exhaustion.

Here’s some easy ways to drink less:

  1. Stop buying so much wine.

    Buy less wine = drink less wine (probably). Really, it’s ok to buy wine but you don’t have to take advantage of those sweet six pack deals. Just buy one wine and go the fuck home. And get one of those little wine preserver things with the pump so you can stop drinking the whole bottle in one go “because it’s gonna go bad.”

  2. Just drink the beer from the normal opening at the top of the can.

    Yes, we all acknowledge that you have become downright amazing at shotgunning those first few beers after the last Zoom call of the day. But no one is cheering you on when you’re alone on the couch, Jeremy. Just fuckin’ crack open a crispy boy like the rest of us and drink it over the course of say, 15 solid minutes. PACE YOURSELF.

  3. Vodka is not a breakfast drink. Actually nothing is a breakfast drink.

    We acknowledge that Vodka can go with BRUNCH, on SUNDAY, but that is as close as it gets. If you’re scrambling some eggs on a Tuesday morning before that 9am client meeting or whatever just keep the fucking vodka in the freezer like a grownup. No, you should not be loading a Bloody into your big-ass Yeti tumbler. Same goes for Micheladas and mimosas. NO.

  4. Shower beers and bath-time wines are for SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

    Need a rinse after a long day? Grand. Get in there and scrub that crack. Take a minute to look up and let hot water run down your face and wash away your sorrows. But there’s no reason to bring a cold one in with you unless you just hiked the Grand Canyon or some shit like that. It’s Thursday, not D Day. And same goes for you Bath Princess. Candles? Sure. Smelly stuff? Right on. Epsom salts? Absofuckinglutely. Wine? Maybe after you finish a marathon, but NOT ON THURSDAY.

  5. No, it’s not cool that you drink gin martinis by yourself.

    It’s sad. Just because you went to law school doesn’t mean you get to be a fancy alcoholic, Jenna. Get back out there and find someone to share your life with. Bring that person home (date 3), fuck like walruses and THEN make TWO gin martinis to SHARE with your newfound lover. Have some fucking self respect.

  6. Still working from home? Stop drinking from home.

    It was fun at first, wasn’t it? Wine on the Zoom call! Beers on the Zoom call! Scotch after the Zoom call and also before the Zoom call. We’re just drunk now, it’s how we live! The world is doomed but at least we’re laughing while the ship goes down! Ok. Yeah. But now you’re vaccinated (RIGHT?) and you can go places. Meet up with friends! Chat up rando neighborhood people at the bar! Get hit on by a much older man! Social drinking is basically the only good kind of drinking, so it’s time to put on your extrovert shirt and get the fuck out the door.

  7. Consider this: Water.


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