10 or so Reasons Why the United States of America is God’s Personal Favorite Nation

Suck it other countries!


  1. First things first: Clearly God doesn’t favor China because it sucks. That’s why I’m never going there. Same goes for Russia.

  2. God loves liberty and we have the official Statue of Liberty right out there for everyone to see. It’s like the first thing at the entrance of America. Who else has that? No one, I think!

  3. Some European countries may have really beautiful old cathedrals but we have Mega Churches. You can’t beat Mega Churches. They are the biggest and best. Our has a Starbucks in it (that’s God’s favorite coffee).

  4. The Bible clearly says (somewhere—John maybe? Paul?) that America is the land of promise. And we all know that the US is the actual “America”.

  5. I mean God Himself basically wrote our Constitution. And He hand-selected our Founding Fathers. Except for Benjamin FranklinI heard he was a man-whore.

  6. Wealth and worldly success, though tainted with sin, are still blessings and a sign of God’s love for us. The US of A is home to the richest people in the whole world, so what does that tell you? (God loves us, that’s what.)

  7. Pizza Hut, ok? Coca Cola. BBQ. In-N-Out Burger. Chick-fil-A! That’s God’s own chicken chain! Come on it’s obvious—we’ve got God’s food here. What do other countries even eat? Beans? Nuts? I don’t think some countries even have food. We have more food than any of us could ever eat! That’s God’s love right there!

  8. Really the only other place that could compete with us is the Holy Land, right? But we’re ahead of them because they killed Jesus. Huge strike against them for that one.

  9. And speaking of strikes, we invented baseball. And football. And basketball. And NASCAR. The only popular sport we didn’t invent is soccer (dumb). And cricket I guess. What the fuck is cricket anyway? God hates cricket.

  10. We have the most roads.

  11. Do you really need any more reasons here? Fine. I’ve got plenty: First to land on the Moon (that was real because we did it). Most nukes. Most guns. Most cars. Most Olympic Medals (probably). Biggest houses. And most expensive houses! We don’t have the tallest building here anymore but the new ones are stupid and I’m sure we’re building taller ones right now. Best mountains. Best beaches. Best music, movies, and TV. Nashville. Texas. Los Angeles (CITY OF ANGELS). Plus, those Tesla cars are here AND the internet is basically all us. Do you even see any foreign people doing anything on there? Not on my Facebook I don’t!